


A Hardboiled Miracle

by cthchewy (pyrrhic_victoly)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Brothels, Bulges and Nooks, Carapaces, Cliche, Crossdressing, Dubious Consent, F/M, Femdom, Out of Character, Parody, Prostitution, Strap-Ons, The Full Yaois, Xeno, all the cliches, pegging?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 12:20:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1744409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/cthchewy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Detective Jane Crocker seeks out shady potions dealer Gamzee Makara regarding a case.  Then they do the do.</p>
<p>Also, Dave and Karkat run a brothel - the worst brothel ever.  Also also, Jane is totally wearing a fake mustache throughout the entire thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hardboiled Miracle

**Author's Note:**

> Kink meme prompt: _I want to see something with as many yaoi clichés as can possibly be crammed into one fic. Complete with the wimpy uke who blushes a lot and cries during sex, and the aloof smirky seme who mistreats (yet is somehow irresistible to) the uke._
> 
> _Except (PLOT TWIST!) the couple is heterosexual, the uke is male, and the seme is female._
> 
> _Any f/m pairing will do, but the more OOC the better!_

Detective Crocker strode down the darkened streets of Derse with nary a sidelong glance thrown her way. She was a common enough sight most nights: a tall, broad-shouldered figure with a swagger and the fists to back it up. Jane Crocker took her duties seriously and suffered no criminal conduct on her watch. Tonight she had a new lead on the Caliborn case, and good golly miss molly was she going to choke that lead until it squealed. Or honked, as the case may be.

The lead in question was one Gamzee Makara, a seller of dubious, though not outright illegal, "potions" whom Jane had had run-ins with in the past. Gamzee was a slippery thing, and would prance circles around lesser detectives, both figuratively and literally. Sometimes he'd capriciously sprinkle magic powder on the police officers on the few occasions he had been taken into custody. Jane was ashamed to say that she had no hard evidence against him - not enough to make a conviction stick, at any rate.

As Jane approached the Red Knight District, the local brothel, she was propositioned by a few salacious Carapacian babes. They hiked up their skirts to flaunt their shiny shells, freshly polished, though Jane merely glowered and continued forth into the building where the proprietors, the girls' "Mamas", usually oversaw their work.

Dave Strider lounged nonchalantly at the dimly lit bar. He was dressed in a slinky red sequined dress with a slit up the entire length of his thigh. From behind his shades, he watched the few patrons interacting with his girls to make sure nothing untoward happened. (The shades clashed horribly with his pink feather boa, and the boa clashed with his everything else, but that was just how he liked it: ironic.) Dave had been at this line of work for a long time, Jane knew. It was how he and his partner Karkat had climbed the ranks and taken over after the previous proprietress retired.

"Yo, 'sup. Welcome to the Red Knight District, care to pick a ho. Shiniest exoskeletons this side of Skaia, couldn't get them shinier if you had a rainbow drinker turn them and stuck them under the sun."

"Dave," she called. Jane rolled her eyes as he ignored her, motormouth flapping in the breeze.

"Or are you a troll kind of gal, you look like a troll kind of gal. Sorry to say there's only Karkles and we charge a higher rate for him. There's also me if you've got a hankering for some massive Strider Swag, but who am I kidding everyone wants the Strider Swag, question is can you afford it."

"Dave, shut up."

"If you can, it's your lucky day. Swag Sandwich Special: be the meat, save thirty percent off, it's a steal. Not a literal one 'cuz I know you don't like that, Miss Detective, and neither do we. Nope to thieves. So much nope. Shit is off the hook with how much nope there is. Shit wants nothing to do with that hook. Shit broke up with the hook over Facebook on the hook's birthday, so callous--"

It was then that Karkat Vantas returned from the little trolls' room and, still adjusting his miniskirt, stomped up to Dave and began shouting.

"OH MY FUCKING HORRORTERRORS WILL YOU SHUT THAT FESTERING GASH OF NOOK DISCHARGE THAT YOU CALL A PROTEIN CHUTE AND GO FUCK YOURSELF ON AN ENTIRE SACK OF BULGES." Dave raised a hand to speak, but was shouted over by Karkat. "NO. DON'T EVEN THINK IT. NOW WHAT THE BLISTERING NUBFUCK DO YOU WANT, JANE HUMAN."

"Vantas," Jane said calmly, if not with the slightest grimace, "I need to speak with your moirail."

Dave shrugged as if to say, "not my problem, bro" and scooted over to pretend he wasn't eavesdropping. Karkat was a horrible liar. His eyes went wide and he began to gnaw on his lower lip as he sought to come up with a suitable tale in order to protect his criminal friend.

"And don't even think of lying to me, buster. I'm the--"

"Gutsiest gumshoe, yeah yeah. Whatever. Can it, Crocker. What makes you think I'd tell you even if I knew?"

"Why would you be afraid of telling me if, as you always claim, Mr. Makara hasn't done anything wrong?" Jane loomed over Karkat, using her superior bulk to intimidate.

"He hasn't!" 

"Relax, Vantas. It's not him that I'm after. I just want to have a chat, see what he knows.

Karkat growled low in his throat, but the full force of the law was against him if he disobeyed, and so he reluctantly led Jane to the back rooms, all the while snarling and occasionally shouting how he'd cut Jane's puny-human-female-bulge off with a rusty sickle if she went back on her word.

Mr. Vantas was keeping his moirail in one of the brothel's standard rooms, he said. The door that Jane was assured Gamzee Makara was behind was rusted and splattered with god-knows-what. It was also narrow, so that when Jane opened it, she had to sort of sidle through so that her broad-as-fuck shoulders could get in. She promptly shut the door in Vantas' face in the midst of something-something-grubfucking tetanus-something. He really was an unpleasant fellow, hoo hoo.

Inside, the room was fairly sparse. There was an end table that probably held all manner of sexual aids, and a lamp on top of it. Most of the space was taken up by a large bed, or, as the trolls called it, a concupiscent platform. Jane's eyes trailed the length of the platform up to the lithe form nestled on a pile of pillows by the headboard.

He was dressed all in indigo from his pointy hat to his fake fairy wings and all the way down to the slippers with the whimsical curled tips. Jane's eyes roamed back up the troll's absurd pajamas until they rested at the impudent jut of his codpiece. It was massive and swayed a bit as the troll shifted.

"Honk," the troll said. "Who's this miracle-sis what the motherfucking miracle train all up and brought my way?"

Jane did not immediately reply; her eyes were still glued to that magnificent codpiece. A hungry, domineering look crossed her face. Gamzee Makara was a headache, all right. But he was a sexy as hell headache with his big shiny troll eyes and those cute curly horns. He'd always escaped her in the past, but she repeated to herself that tonight things would be different. He would fall for her charms and renounce his freewheeling lifestyle or by gum her name wasn't Jane Crocker.

"Gamzee…"

"Oh, it's all being you what's come to see me. Well you ain't got nothing on me, chica."

"I might not have enough evidence to put you behind bars, but I can take you in for the night if you keep disrespecting a woman of the law."

"I'm only selling potions, sis. Ain't gotta get your fine motherfucking self all twisted up over a few shots of the wicked elixir."

Jane smirked and narrowed her eyes. She shrugged off her trenchcoat, tossed her fedora aside, and began loosening her tie as she approached that indigo bulge-tease with a predatory grace. "I've got my eye on you, Gamzee Makara."

Gamzee snorted under his breath, though Jane's sleuthing skills led her to perceive that he was faking the bravado. Jane stalked the last few steps over and pinned him to the bed. She could feel his breaths coming out harsher, excited, though he struggled and pretended he didn't like it.

"Hey now. A brother didn't motherfucking sign up to play this game…"

"I said," Jane punctuated with a press of her body, "I've got my eye on you. I know you've been in cahoots with The Felt. Caliborn's on the lam and it's only a matter of time before we get him; Pyrope's got his scent." 

Jane felt Gamzee's bulge twitch through the codpiece. Gamzee's eyes were beginning to glaze over with need. Still, he was a feisty one.

"A-all right, sis, no need to get rough. How's about you cut me a deal?"

"This is the only deal you're getting. You help us catch him quick, Mr. Makara, and I'll make sure things go down real swell for you with the courts. So. Will you let the boss make you the fall guy, or will you take my offer?"

Jane had him right where she wanted him. She ground down on the codpiece, leaning her body over his, accentuating just how much larger she was.

"I-I'll think about--! Hnngh--! Aw, no, sis, don't up and motherfucking do that!"

She chuckled deeply and whispered into his ear, "Your mouth says no, but your body says yes."

Jane proceeded to tear off Gamzee's clothes. All the clothes. When the codpiece was removed, Gamzee's bulge popped free with a squelch and strained for her touch. Jane let her fingers dance out of its way and down to his nook. She teased the folds of his nook with her fingers, rubbing circles at his entrance, pressing firmly but never enough to penetrate.

Gamzee began to beg for it, alternating "please" with "yes" and "no". Poor boy, so conflicted, hoo hoo. 

Jane took the decision into her own hands. "Hmm," she said, "I don't do this for just anyone, so be grateful." She lowered her mouth to his bulge and began began to suck.

"Honk!" Gamzee's cry of surprise brought another smirk to Jane's lips. She doubled her efforts, licking and sucking at his bulge to a chorus of panting, honking moans. "honk HONK honk HONK honk!" 

Jane glanced up and saw Gamzee begin to look panicked - he was about to come, and there was no bucket in sight. She lifted off his bulge with a soft pop, licked her lips, and continued to stroke him with her hand instead. "Come for me," she whispered low in his ear.

Gamzee came with one last honk, back arched beautifully with the strain. His indigo genetic material spilled onto Jane's palm and dribbled out. Jane lifted the stained hand and, looking Gamzee right in the eye, brought it to her lips. Her tongue darted out to lap up his slurry.

"We're not done yet," she said, and went to the end table where, sure enough, the brothel owners had been kind enough to stock what she was looking for. Jane, still fully clothed, lowered her pants only enough to attach the strap-on. 

Gamzee was laying back, dazed and still trying to catch his breath when she returned. She easily flipped him onto his knees and began to finger his nook in earnest this time. Jane really was, as Strider said earlier, "a troll kind of gal", because troll males were the only ones who self-lubricated. It was just so much easier that way. A younger Jane had watched many an animated porno where human males seemed to have this feature as well, and she was very disappointed to find out it wasn't true.

When Gamzee was prepared enough, Jane lined up her silicone dick to his glistening nook and pushed in. She thrusted and reveled in his loud, breathy gasps and squeaks until he began to sob with the overwhelming pleasure. Lovely indigo tears streamed down Gamzee's cheeks. Jane leaned forward to kiss the colored trail, and Gamzee, weeping still, buried his face into the pillows.

They rocked together for the longest time, Gamzee continuing to sob and moan. His second peak was just as intense as the first, though quieter. Gamzee came with a soft "hnk" and another spray of genetic material, this time landing all over the sheets. He bore down her dick to ride out the aftershocks. Jane gave a few more thrusts for good measure before reaching down to finish herself off.

Gamzee, boneless, flopped down on the bed as she pulled out, barely avoiding the huge wet spot. "That was… _miracles_. The Messiahs tell me if'n the righteous miracles be appearing before a motherfucker, well then that motherfucker ought to roll with them miracles what be appearing before him. You've got your motherfucking miraculous self a deal, detective-sis."

"Yes indeed, my good sir. Miracles. And now that I've purified you with my healing cock, you are bound to me forevermore, hoo hoo!" Jane tossed aside the strap on and zipped her pants back up. She examined the young troll before her with a jaundiced eye. "You're far too skinny. First let me feed you some cake. You can repay me by being my slave husband, and you can greet me when I get home by wearing nothing but an apron."

"That sounds like a wicked bitchtits idea what a brother could get down with."


End file.
